I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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