she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
