I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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