youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
