Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
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I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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