So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You did what with his pubic hair?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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