So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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