My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My underwear smells like fireworks.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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