You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
