you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
