I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
