peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
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I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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