What did we do last night that was yellow?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
