Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
