I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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