If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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