her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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