I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
