am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
