maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
