In the future we'll all be gay
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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