yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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