Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
