you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
