oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
