Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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