I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
