i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Randomize
