Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
