If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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