So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
