What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
