he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i love accidental penises.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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