lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
