The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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