You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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