just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
