So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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