i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
