Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
