Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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