Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Houston, we have a squirter
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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