Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
