I just pynch a tree in the face
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
