I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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