I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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