I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
