At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
