I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He shit in the fireplace
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
