Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
as a side note pls kill me
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