white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
