why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
