At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
