Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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