half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
